Of Lost Hope and Shattered Memories
by xNeissax
Summary: After Al leaves, Ed falls into a depression and secludes himself from everyone. Roy being the only one still holding hope for him, seems to be the only one that can help. fluff, romance, Ed/Roy yoai
1. Chapter 1

**I have taken a longer than needed break from writing and i simply needed to start again because for some reason reading fics makes me want to write them... anyway, this is kind of a random fic i conjured up like five miniutes before i wrote it and just about everything was thought up on the spot so i do have a general idea/plot for it but none of the details are set yet.. This is my first shot at a fic in this POV, so sorry if i mix up the 'tenses' in a couple of spots.. also i apologize if i got off track while writing and if something isnt clear because of that.. (dont have a beta reader as of now, that would explain the errors) **

**I do plan on making this a fairly long term fic so yes, updates will happen. Also, i LOVE reviews so any reviews are encouraged, and knowing people like it makes me update faster.. This will eventually be a RoyEd fic, (yes its yoai) and will most likely contain much fluff. soo, i think im done rambling for now, hope you enjoy. **

**(also, i dont own FMA, if thats a surprise to anyone)**

My eyes sleeplessly sprang open for the third time in what seemed like five minutes, my mind still trying to persuade my body that it was still tired but deep down I knew it was a lie. A poor excuse conjured up in my mind in the hopes of not having to deal with life, or what little of a life it was. I rolled over glancing at the clock. It was half past noon and I was expected to be at work at eight, but I didn't give a damn. I don't even see why they have me come in almost every morning. My real reason for joining the military was already done and dealt with almost a year ago. I just stick around because I need the money even though I would much prefer a hard working job to sitting on my ass any day. A job like that would at least occupy my thoughts so there would be less time for my memories to come flooding back to me, but then again I guess I shouldn't really complain about getting paid for nothing.

I hadn't gone to work in about a week, and despite the calls, I simply didn't care. I honesty don't care about anything anymore. I couldn't deny that I was slipping into a depression. As much as I denied it to everyone else, I couldn't pretend that I didn't notice. The loneliness was creeping in on me and I couldn't say I was powerless to stop it, but I had no idea how. The lack of human contact was driving me insane. I hadn't seen any one in days and only talked to people occasionally at work, but only when necessary. I was trying to salvage any sanity left in me, but that was quite a task when I had nothing to return to but an empty apartment and my own company. It sickened me that I had to resort to lingering at the markets longer than needed just to be around people, and passing off forced small talk between the vendors as 'socializing'.

I pulled myself out of bed, slipping on my black pants and red coat as I trudged to the bathroom. My fingers weaved through my long blonde hair braiding it with ease. Some part of my mind decided for me that I was going to work today, although most of the day would be spent in the library anyway. I grabbed my crisp white gloves off of the bed side table, pulling out an old, worn journal from the dresser.

I walked down the empty sidewalk, my eyes gazing at the yellow and orange leaves of fall still clinging to the trees. It wasn't a terribly long walk, but an enjoyable one as long as I am able to limit my thoughts, keeping them far from my past. The one place I never like to venture. The town seemed almost empty as I walked up the large white stairs of the building. Not one person stopped to talk as I walked through the hallways, the most I got was a wave and a "good morning" from most of the employees. But then again, I guess that's what I get for not opening up to people. The reason I can't name a single friend of mine.

I figured it was about lunch time, so I decided to stop by a certain office I was rather fond of, in the hopes that the Colonel was still out. It wasn't that surprising that the man often kept a small silver flask in the bottom drawer of his desk for 'those days', and on quite a few occasions I had also indulged in his methods of coping with life. One swig of hard liquor is enough to get me through the day, and I have to admit that it isn't all that bad going about your day with a buzz. Although I have never been driven to get completely drunk, I would be old enough to supply myself in less than two weeks, which is much better than stealing sips from your boss when he's not looking.

I grabbed the silver knob, turning it slowly and pushing open the door without any form of indication that I was entering. I couldn't help the small smirk that inched across my face as I walked in the room. Sure enough the Colonel was back from his lunch break and sitting at his desk, flask in hand. I figured I could test my luck and talk him into giving me just a sip, especially since I had just walked in on him taking one for himself. Apparently it was "one of those days".

It took him a second to acknowledge my presence but a moment later he glanced up at me, his dark eyes holding a sort of compassion as they met mine.

"Im glad you decided to show up for work today Fullmetal." He finally spoke up, his voice free of the heavy sarcasm that flooded from his lips every time his words concerned me.

I gave a slight nod in response, not really knowing what to say and not wanting to waste my time thinking of something either. I think at that moment he realized his silver container was still sitting proudly upon his desk for all eyes to see as he tried to subtly pull it into his lap.

"Is your job really that bad that you have to resort to drinking at work Colonel?" Such a hypocritical comment to make when I' m about to ask him to pass it over.

"Its not like I'm getting myself drunk, I've just had a lot on my mind lately.. You wouldn't understand." He rambled, trying to find a way to explain it to me when I knew his reasons perfectly well.

"No, I understand completely, and I was curious if you would give me a quick sip before I head over to the library…" The moment of truth, I don't know why I craved it so badly. I'm far from an alcoholic but the warm feeling of hard whisky fuzzing my thoughts sounded delicious.

A slightly confused look crossed his face as he took in my question. "I didn't know you drank Fullmetal. it's a really bad habit, one you probably shouldn't indulge yourself in.." He replied smoothly.

"Well like you said, I don't do it to get drunk, Its just nice when I have a lot of things on my mind. Besides, I caught you in the act yourself." probably not the response he was looking for, but quite a good one.

"Maybe ill take you out drinking for your birthday, but for now your underage, so sorry." He replied.

I hint of warmth filled my stomach as he spoke. Stupid. It was simply stupid that I was feeling a bit of happiness flutter through my body when I realized he remembered my birthday. Even though my birthdays don't mean much to me anymore, it definitely meant something in the respect that he was the only person who cared enough to remember… the only one. I noticed the compassion in him show for me once things became shitty, and I knew he found out about what happened. The only person that mattered in my life up and walked out on me. After I had done and given up so much for him, he had the balls to leave. My own fucking brother that I loved and cared for more than my own life. I honestly don't even remember the stupid thing we were fighting about, but it doesn't even matter anymore because in the end he moved in with Winry, left me here with mygnawing regret and my aching sorrow. As hard as it is to get passed what happened, I know that I can blame no one else but myself for it. For whatever reason, it was my fault. I simply wasn't good enough, and I know now that if I couldn't have been good enough for him, then I can never be good enough for anyone.

As my mind raced with thoughts, I slowly realized that I was glaring daggers at the carpet, becoming aware for the first time that tears were rolling down my cheeks. This is exactly why I never wanted to remember or even think about the past, because it turns me into a sniveling idiot. Besides, dwelling on the past doesn't do shit, so I never want to allow myself the opportunity.

Tears continued to glide down my face as I hesitated to meet my gaze with the man I knew was sitting in front of me. I'm a little surprised how one comment made me feel so happy, and that my emotions had to rip it away from me.

I heard the quite patter of footsteps on carpet but I did nothing to stop them. I felt a soft hand brush against my cheek, sending me in awe. After having no physical contact with another person for what was probably months, I couldn't deny that it was the best feeling to run through my body. I couldn't help but lean into that hand just a little, wanting to treasure the sensation of warm skin against me.

"hey, are you okay?" the soft velvet voice asked softly.

I stood silent as a few more tears fell from my dulled eyes. I couldn't describe how badly I wanted the warmth of human contact to surround me. I had to force myself still when I wanted to fall into his warm embrace so badly. It was like an addiction pulling me for more. After feeling a natural human encounter, I knew that that is what I so desperately needed in my life.

I claimed that I needed no one, that everyone around me held no more significance than the dirt beneath my feet, but that was only partially true. No one had mattered except him. I respected him, looked up to him and I loved knowing that he held some sort of compassion for me within him. For that I was grateful because I knew he was the one person who still held faith in me when the world had stomped me into the ground. I never expected any sort of relationship between us, even a simple friendship is a high expectation for me.

My mind reminds me of my surroundings once again as a familiar and cherished voice calls out to me once again.

"What's wrong?" he asked gently, wiping the tears from my face with his warm hand still caressing my cheek leaving a burning warmth on my skin from his contact.

"Its nothing.." I finally choked out as I looked up at him with teary eyes.

"You don't have to pretend there isn't something bothering you, it would take a fool not to notice you have been really secluded lately. Does it have something to do with Al?" He whispered, treading carefully with his words.

Damn it, damn it, damn it, why the hell did he have to bring it up again. Well its already too late now because once I start crying I simply cant hold my emotions back like usual. It wont stop until I let it out like I have been so desperately trying to keep it dormant.

Your not stupid, of course its about Al, and you knew that without even having to ask. Its useless now. Everything I have pushed back is surging forward, and it sickens me to be weak in front of people. I cant help but cringe as I hear my sobs mindlessly flowing.

All at once I feel the most wonderful sensation coarse through my body as strong, warm arms wrap around my body, bringing me closer to him. My head rests against his shoulder and I cant help but pull myself closer to him with my hands tightly grasping the back of his uniform. I wanted to relish in the moment forever even though my sobs could still be heard pouring through the room in a never ending release of sorrow.

**please review, im curious as to what people think of my random fics.. also, if anyone has ideas as to why Al left.. dont hesitate to offer ideas (havent thought that far into details yet lol) thanks.**


	2. Chapter 2

**chapter 2! up faster than i thought. i had to get this one out of my imagination and onto paper today, because i hate to tell you but the updates will be a little hard. But thats only because my boyfriend simply hates FMA, fanfics, and yaoi lol. (and thats hard when i live with him). but i will try my best to type up as much as possible when i have the chance so thanks in advance for your patience, hopefully you wont need much of it if everything goes as planned. **

**your reviews are welcomed greatfully!**

My sobs had slowly drowned out against his shoulder, but my eyes continued to flood with unshed tears. His heavy cologne filled my senses until my nose was too stuffed up to work properly. We stood there for who knows how long and I started to feel bad about making him waste his time on me but I loved the fact that during it all he never once tried to pry the memories out of me. I could tell he wanted much more than to just pull the gossip of my private life out of my mouth. At least he was tying to help.

Once my tears had subsided a little more, I felt the pleasant embrace I was clinging onto pull away filling my body with emptiness. One hand wrapped over my side, leading us both to the small couch in the office. I let my coat slide from my shoulders, something I rarely did in public anymore, letting it fall against the couch around my waist. I felt a sting of coldness hit my skin as I realized that for some reason I had only put on a black tee-shirt that morning. I couldn't help but slide my hand up against his thigh subtly, I just wasn't ready for the contact to be over just yet.

I felt his gaze run over my body and down my flesh arm. I could see the disappointment in his eyes as he glanced over my forearm which was layered with scars left behind by my anger and a thin sharp blade. He gently ran his fingers over the riveted skin, as he glanced up at me once more, silently asking for an explanation.

"sorry.." I muttered, "when I get angry its hard to control." surely he knew that already.

"Why are you doing this to yourself? You don't deserve to torture your body like this.." he started.

"Its not that bad really, I usually don't feel it anyway." I threw in, hoping that would justify my reasons for mutilating my body.

"I'm not talking about just that, I mean everything. It looks like you haven't eaten anything in days, and you have kept yourself locked up in your apartment for the last month, and not once have I seen you talk to a single person since then. To be honest, I'm really worried about you. Y… your just not the same vibrant person you once were, and that scares me.." He mumbled.

"I don't know what to do about it, I have no clue how to fix it." I practically whispered, this time trying desperately to keep my emotions inside.

"What happened between you and Al.. I know something happened, he would never just walk away for nothing." He spoke, once again careful where he treaded with his words.

"Something stupid. I was too protective off him, watching over him as if he was still three years old. Once he got his body back, he just needed that bit of freedom that was denied to him all these years, but I couldn't give him that. It scared the hell out of me." Fresh tears clouded my eyes. I don't know why I started talking, but it wasn't a good idea. I wanted him to know what happened but I knew that would be hard without another mental, and physical breakdown.

"..I don't want to talk about it anymore.." I muttered.

I lifted myself up off the couch, pulling my red coat back around my shoulders. I loved the company, but at the same time I needed time alone, although I didn't see how that would help much.

"You don't already have plans for next week do you?" He asked hesitantly.

"Of course I don't. Who would I have plans with?" I replied, trying not to be an ass despite my emotional state.

"Well I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner for your birthday." He asked softly.

"Why would you do that.." I asked, a blush crossing my cheeks. I didn't think anyone would ever actually _want _my company.

"Because you're supposed to enjoy your birthday, and I was hoping that you would let me help you enjoy it.." He said, thinking of a way to explain it.

"..sure" I answered hesitantly even though my stomach fluttered with happiness once again.

I silently walked across the room, ready for my alone time in the library, but a hand stopped me. I turned around seeing dark eyes meet mine.

"here." He said simply as he handed me my worn, and almost filled journal. I didn't notice when it had fallen out of my pocket but I knew he saw the pages upon pages of jumble filling the pages.

I made my way to the library, sitting down at a vacant table in the far corner as usual. I opened up the journal. Instantly filling the pages with more jumble. No matter what it was about, writing always freed me from the world, giving me time off from what my horrible life had become. I couldn't keep the smile from my face. That day, I couldn't find anything else to write about except the man who was stealing my heart.


	3. Chapter 3

**Im very sorry this took so long to get updated, but i finally found some free (and alone) time so i typed this out. As of now im still pulling crap out of my head as i write it, so its all kind of on the spot lol. i am probably going to explain the whole backstory of this and what happened but probably not all at once, but once i get the details figured out ill start letting you in on it (i still dont really know the backstory myself lol) anyway, hope you like it, and i hope i didnt get to random with it, please review, i love the encouragement and thanks a bunch to those that have. **

I slowly inched my way down the sidewalk, kicking the small pebbles that surrounded my feet as I went. I arrived at the steps to the building sooner than I had hoped, I never liked going home, because I knew that my anger and loneliness would be waiting there for me like a loyal dog.

I wearily unlocked the door, tossing my journal on the table. It was already full and I still had so many things I wanted to write about. Oh well, I needed a better one anyway. I opened all the curtains in the house in some way to give even the slightest illusion that I wasn't locked up here by my self, separated from the rest of the world, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the feeling of seclusion.

I threw myself on the couch wanting the day to be over. Wanting all my pain and sorrow to leave me. I absolutely hate it. I swear it seems like there's something else inside me controlling my emotions, because I know I sure as hell can't. Even the stupidest things seem to set me off, for no reason at all.

My eyes suddenly locked on to a familiar and heart wrenching sight. At the very top of the bookshelf was an old picture of Al, neatly framed in all its perfection. It was taken not long after he got his body back. For some reason I had insisted on a picture of him, even though he was right next to me I still needed the reassurance and the proof that he was really back. Maybe I was just trying to convince the world that I had really done it. Who knows.

My eyes stayed on the picture for minutes, I honestly don't know weather to yell my lungs out or cry. I really do love that picture, because its really the last connection I have to him, but at the same time I fucking hate it with a burning passion. Which doesn't make sense either. It just seems like the only reason it's even there is to fucking stare at me, trying to make me feel guilty for all this shit. I finally tore my eyes away, tears blurring my vision. I couldn't help but grind my teeth as I pulled my hand from my pocket, tossing a rude gesture to the framed memory as if that would justify my anger. Unfortunately it didn't, and it never would. I could feel the burning glare of the fucking thing staring me down like never before.

"What the fuck are you staring at!!!" I spat out, my pounding heart only serving to rush my anger to every inch of my body. This is just too much. I'm going insane over a god damn picture and I cant even pull myself together. As if something else was controlling me, I got up off the couch, trudging toward the damn thing. My hand grabbed the frame and threw it against the floor as hard as I could. Shards of glass sailed around my feet as the frame collided with the wooden floors.

Almost instantly fear and guilt came rushing forward as tears fell from my eyes. In the blink of an eye I went to pissed beyond belief to feeling absolutely horrible. It was almost as if it was really Al that I had lashed out on, and that hurt more than anything.

"Why didn't you just stop like I told you to. None of this would have happened if you just listened." I slurred through my sobs.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't lift my guilt for not just the picture, but for everything. I could have swore I heard someone knocking on the door, but I quickly ignored it as I tried to pick up all the shards of glass that were scattered across the floor. I heard the knocking again, and it felt like my mind was trying to torment me. I knew no one was there. No one would ever come to see me. Its just my fucking mind.

I got up and walked into the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and pulled out a small piece of cloth. I sat down against the wall and carefully unfolded it to reveal a small, sharp blade. It sliced through my skin with ease leaving behind lines of red for all the things I have done wrong in life. I continued to mark my forearm without pain, before reminding myself not to go to far, not like last time. After watching the red lines grow and trickle down my arm, I stood up and turned on the sink. The water cleansed my cuts in the same way the injuries were cleansing my soul. I don't know why or how, but it was almost calming. Only then did I start to feel a slight sting from the wounds, but it was like nothing more than a cat scratch. I grabbed a small tube of ointment and covered my arm. Even though I knew it wouldn't rid me of the marks over night, I didn't want to disappoint Roy any more than I already had. And I could tell it hurt him more than it hurt me. I simply loved the fact that he held faith in me, something I didn't have about my life, and I didn't want to lose it for the world.

It was only nine as I crawled into bed but in a way sleep was a sort of relief when I wasn't bothered with nightmares. I stripped down into my boxers, climbing under the sheets. I felt my heart flutter when I plopped down beside my red coat which I had mindlessly thrown on the bed while undressing. A loving and intoxicating scent filled me as I was reminded of Roy. After the long embrace we shared, I guess I didn't notice until now that my coat still held the scent of that moment, and fragrances are often the fondest reminder of memories. I pulled my coat closer to me as I drifted off to sleep, his compassion for me never leaving my mind.

.o0o.

In my sleepy haze I kept replaying our moment together and it was simply wonderful. At times I honestly thought he was right there with me, only to be disappointed numerous times when I tried to lay against him. I was only slightly aware of my thoughts as I gently thrust my hips against the mattress, giving me wonderful sensations as I purred into the soft fabric.

I slowly came out of my daze from the uncomfortable feeling that I soon associated with a painful erection. I felt almost embarrassed when I remembered what I was thinking about that caused it, but I wanted so badly to massage and pump it to my hearts content, and I just couldn't say no to myself.

I turned my head slightly letting the wonderful cologne fill my senses as I slid the thin fabric of my boxers down my hips. I felt absolutely dirty for wanting to fantasize about him, but at the same time, that sort of thing really gets me off. I wasted no time wrapping my small hand around my erection, feeling the warm, hard skin practically twitch in anticipation. I let out quite moans as my hand massaged my length while my fingertips worked so sweetly on my sensitive head. I let my hips thrust up into my fist, as I sped up my pumps, imagining his hands working my length instead of my own. I felt the familiar sensation creep through my stomach as I came hard into my hand, muttering a fond name as I did so.

I sat perfectly still for a moment or so as my orgasm continued to wash over me. A heavy blush tinted my face as I realized what I had just done.


	4. Chapter 4

**I sincerely apologize for leaving this story abandoned. I decided to log back in one day and realized i still had this story up and left at a cliff hanger (whooops) i usually hate when people take like months to update but this one just slipped my mind and i completely forgot about it. Anyway, i plan to continue it and should tackle a few more chapters this week if not sooner. Like always please feel free to review. **

**Disclaimer: yeah you know, FMA isnt mine. **

The loud tone of the alarm clock jolted me out of my sleep. Glowing red numbers read 11:00am from across the night stand. My heart fluttered ever so slightly when I felt the soft fabric of my coat underneath me. The thought felt slightly awkward seeing as it was my own coat I was

cradling like a precious child, a slight disappointment when I noticed the heavenly scent had

vanished from the piece of clothing. I threw the covers off of my body feeling a cool sting of air

rush against my skin. It was far from 8am but I don't even remember the last time I wasn't late.

As much as I wanted to rush to work to be in the presence of a certain co-worker, I felt equally

obligated to keep my face hidden from him. The blush tinted my cheeks, thinking of the dreams

that filled my night. Its not like Roy knew what had happened but the sheer embarrassment of it

all was more than enough discomfort. I threw on my clothes and headed to the bathroom while

tying back my long hair in a ponytail. The disgusting sight in the mirror never ceased to disturb

me. I loathed everything about that image. Dark circles under my eyes, skin white as a ghost.

Deep cracks ran half the length of the mirror from the many times I had lashed out at my own

reflection, scars still littering my knuckles from the glass. I had grown an inch or two in the last

year, and my frame was starting to thin out. Not that I was ever particularly fat, but my features

were starting to reflect my age, unlike Al who was in the body of a young teen despite being

nearly 19.

The bathroom counter was still littered with razor blades and paper towels from the night before. I pulled up my sleeve and rubbed a small amount of ointment on the swollen cuts hoping they would heal before the Colonel had a chance to notice them. I don't understand why I was so worried about what he thought. It was my body after all. If I wanted to tattoo my forehead or inflict pain upon myself then I shouldn't have other people's criticism breathing down my neck. Besides, I deserved every last ounce of pain I am exposed to. Its my fault things fell apart in the first place and not only did I manage to ruin my own life but I made everyone around me miserable as well. The familiar swell of uneasiness rose in my chest as tears pricked my eyes. I blinked hard a few times as I headed for the door. The last thing I needed was to be crying like a sniveling baby at work again.

I snuck my way into the front door of the office, B-lining for the library as always. Every black haired man wearing the blue uniform made my head turn for just a split second. The back table called my name as I pulled out my tattered notebook and tossed it down. I pulled a pen from my pocket and searched through the book for an empty page finding only a few left. My hand instantly started doodling any images that came to mind. A large tree, the one we used to always play under as kids. The leaves continued to scatter across the page when I felt a tap on my shoulder, scaring the shit out of me.

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" I blurted out as I jumped nearly three feet.

"Sorry." Came a soft reply. I glanced over my shoulder seeing Riza standing over me, her blue uniform ironed to perfection. "If you aren't busy I have a job for you," she started.

"Well I kinda am right now," I mumbled, trying not to sound angry towards her.

"Ed you have hardly done anything in the past three weeks, if you don't mind, the Colonel could really use some help in his office." She asked in her stern yet calm tone.

"Yeah I guess.." I grumbled. I tried hiding my excitement as I closed the notebook and stood from the table.

"Thanks," she said before walking away.

I don't even understand why Im so excited to see him. Hes just an asshole I work with, sure he can pretend like hes interested in my feelings but that's a load of shit and everyone knows it. I trudged to the familiar office, not wanting to admit I actually enjoyed his company the other day. It sickens me to think I need someone to baby me, because I don't. I never have and I never will. After a few quick knocks I slid the door open, instantly catching dark eyes with my own.

"Haha it worked.." the raven haired man blurted out as he saw me step into the room.

"What?" I replied slightly confused

"I finally talked Riza into having someone help me with all this paperwork, so I assume you are my helper for the day" He said with a smirk.

"You dragged me in here because your lazy ass doesn't like paperwork? Are you kidding me?" I knew it, the bastard was just using me like he does everyone else. Why did I think I would be any different.

"Yeah something like that." And there was that amazing smile again. A stack of papers were dropped by the file cabinet with a loud thud.

"Ill fill them out as necessary and sign them, you just have to file them away. The sooner we get done the sooner we can get out of here." He said as he walked back to his desk to tackle his own stack of reports. I sighed heavily as I began separating the papers into different piles, feeling an awkward silence fall on the room. I took a split second to glance up seeing the Colonel reading and signing in an endless cycle. The sunlight from the window glimmered from the different medals and ribbons that littered his uniform from his chest up to his collar representing his rank, rate and other achievements he had made. It was like a full military resume posted on his shirt for the world to see. I had never really taken the time to look at them all individually, of course it was hard to do so without looking strange for staring. I didn't understand all of the ribbons besides the ones showing his pay rate, job, title, and for serving during a time of war among a few others. I had an issued uniform and a couple ribbons of my own buried in my closet, I just never had the patience to put them on or even wear the thing but I have to admit it makes even the dullest of idiots look spiffy. I felt eyes meet mine as I cautiously looked up, knowing I had been caught red handed staring at him.

"What are you staring at?" he said with such a calm warm tone to his voice.

"Oh, nothing.. I was just looking at your ribbons.." I mumbled, realizing I couldn't come up with a good excuse off the top of my head.

"Why don't you ever wear yours? You know technically, it's a policy." He asked, with that damn smirk on his lips that made my heart skip.

"Because Individualism isn't a bad thing you know. I don't really wanna look like another mindless military drone. There are already enough working here." I retorted, trying not to look him in the eye. I would probably jump off a cliff if he knew what just his look does to me.

"Didn't you ever hear that all women love a man in uniform?" A typical remark of someone who takes pride in his sexual escapades.

"Sorry but im not exactly interested." I replied, going back to separating my share of the papers.

"Well I never said that didn't go for men as well-" He started with a chuckle and enough sarcasm to kill a horse.

"-That's not what I meant. Im not gay you idiot!" I snapped, who does he think he is? He probably spends enough time on his hair in the morning to get his beauty license.

"Im just not interested in a relationship right now is what I meant." Hoping to clear the air, the last thing he wanted anyone to find out is that he always found it hard to appreciate women like other horn-dog men did. But in no way did that make him gay.

"Well why not, maybe it will be good for you," He said, sounding sincere, "You would be surprised what love can do to a person."


	5. Chapter 5

**Once again thanks for reading, i didnt necessarily want to end this chapter where i did but my eyes are begging for sleep so ill be sure to write chapter 6 tomorrow. its been a while since ive written so sorry about the minor mistakes and all that junk and as always please review :) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything FMA**

Love. A word that holds so much passion, so much meaning. Something I always felt I would never get to experience. They always say everyone has a soul mate. One person that was made for them. Sure, the idea is comforting and something to look forward to, but if you look at things logically, as I always try to do, how many people are there in this world? More than 1 billion. Those odds don't stick so well when you think of it that way, and I'm supposed to have faith that I will find that perfect person among the 1 billion that walk this earth? Honestly it sounds like a load of crap to try and something people say to make all the ugly losers feel better about themselves. It just seems like an unrealistic waste of time to go chasing after someone that I know nothing about. I mean sure if that person happened to just walk up one day out of the blue then that would be different, but I'm not about to waste my time searching for something that isn't there. That's the real reason why I don't bother getting involved in relationships. Of course I would never expect Mustang to understand that.

I woke up early that morning, feeling like a kid on Christmas. Making my way to work and pushing through the day, more eager for the night to come. Once four o'clock rolled around I almost started counting the minutes. I jumped in the shower, letting the hot water run down my skin as I scrubbed shampoo through my hair. A slight sting on my arm drew my attention as soap ran over my still healing wounds. Running my fingers across the marks, I hoped the Colonel wouldn't get a chance to notice them. I didn't regret self inflicting this pain, the only thing I didn't like is causing disappointment. I quickly finished my shower and put on clean clothes. Walking into the bedroom I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and grabbed my notebook from the nightstand, trying to keep it from falling apart as I tossed it on the bed to begin writing. I couldn't help but glance up at the clock every few minutes until finally I heard a knock at the door, making my heart skip. I ran to the door taking a quick second to calm myself before pulling it open. Midnight blue eyes met with mine and that oh so familiar scent flooded my senses. A black button down shirt covered his broad chest, his hair perfect as always. Whenever I was in his presence I couldn't help but get fidgety, so many emotions flooding my mind. I just hoped they weren't really plastered on my forehead like I felt they were. The last thing I wanted to do was freak him out by my weird feelings, because closeness was what I wanted the most.

"You ready?" Came that calm voice as I felt him staring into my eyes.

With a simple nod I followed him outside and over to the one car letting him take the lead until I knew which vehicle we were getting in. We approached a very nice black sedan, probably new, very impressive. Sliding into the passenger seat I hoped to break the slightly awkward silence. Well at least I thought it was. I always had trouble around other people, usually at a loss of what to say and making things only more awkward for myself.

"So where are we going?" I asked breaking the silence.

"Well you are just gonna have to wait and find out birthday boy." he chuckled. The comment made me feel like I was 10 again, but I didn't protest.

We pulled into the parking lot of a high end restaurant, making me feel slightly uneasy. I didn't like the thought of people wasting money on me, but I knew trying to convince him otherwise would be a task in itself. As we walked inside we were greeted by a rather peppy brunette that led us to a booth near the back. Surprisingly the restaurant was rather quiet for a Friday night.

"Can I get you gentlemen any drinks?" the girl asked as she set down two menus before turning to me.

"Uh just a coke," I replied feeling a bit out of place in such an expensive diner.

"Whiskey is fine," He said calmly, "actually make it two" he added, shooting a look towards me as the girl headed towards the kitchen.

"You know you can order alcohol now, don't have to resort to stealing it from my desk." That classic smirk plastering his face.

"Just because you are an alcoholic doesn't mean everyone else is." I retorted, not sure if getting drunk was the best idea. He already had a strange effect on me while sober, I can only imagine what I might say after I'm babbling from alcohol. He gave a quick laugh, before his tone changed.

"So.. I know it's a touchy subject, but what exactly happened between you and Al." He finally asked, treading carefully with his words. I felt my heart sink. Why did a potentially good night have to get ruined so early.

"It doesn't matter anymore, he's gone and that's the end of it. It was no ones fault but my own." I confessed, hoping it would be the end of the conversation.

"Well even the closest of people have troubles, its part of life. In time people change. This doesn't have to be the end of it if you don't want it to be," a genuine tone in his voice.

"Why are you so concerned about it anyway, it doesn't matter." I know he was only trying to help but the goal for the night was to keep from turning into an emotional wreck and this subject is always a ticking time bomb.

"I'm just trying to help," I could tell he was searching for an answer off the top of his head. I knew this was a bad idea. The table fell in silence as the girl returned with the drinks and to take our orders. I just picked a steak at random, knowing I wouldn't eat much of it anyway. Once she had left the area I blurted out my sarcastic remark feeling as though I was only being picked at for gossip. Surely everyone at the office was dying to hear but no one had the balls to test the subject. Well almost no one.

"Try again, that's bullshit and you know it." I don't understand why he had to push the issue. All I wanted to do was have a good night for once. I took a large sip from one of the whiskey glasses, quickly following with the soda to try and cover up the horrible aftertaste. A warming burn slid down my throat as I felt the alcohol instantly warm my veins.

"Because I care about you that's why. Once he left you changed. Doesn't look like you eat or sleep, you hardly have the motivation to get to work, and not to mention the layers of scars that cover your arm. Im not the only one that is worried Edward, everyone at the office is concerned for you." His words hit me like a ton of bricks. As much as I hate being pitied, hearing that someone was actually concerned, actually cared for me just hit home. I took another gulp of the whiskey, trying to escape the thoughts clouding my head.

"I just can't talk about it, not right now okay." I practically whispered, desperately hoping for a subject change.

"Listen, I'm sorry. I know whatever happened effected you deeply but its effecting everyone else too. Im not going to force it out of you if you don't want to discuss it, but when you do, ill be here to listen." It seemed like the most sincere thing I had heard him say towards me. I was also grateful to see the waitress come with our food, once again ceasing the conversation.

Staring at the huge plate of food, I picked at it a bit, taking a few bites here and there but my appetite was just no where to be seen. The strange mix of emotions in my head certainly didn't help. By now I couldn't deny I was feeling things for him that weren't normal. Whether it was longing to be good friends, or more I wasn't quite sure but it was definitely messing with my head.

I tried eating as much as my withered appetite could handle, feeling slightly bad that Mustang was paying for my meal. The conversation died down a bit, but I didn't want the night to end badly. Once again the brunette returned carrying a small cupcake with a single green candle in the top.

"I heard it was someone's birthday," the girl said with a huge grin. Oh god, please don't sing, please don't sing. I couldn't help but toss a glare at the raven haired man, knowing he was the only one that could have tipped them off. Thankfully the lady wished me a happy birthday and walked off. I glanced at the small cupcake, chocolate with blue frosting and sprinkles and a green lit candle glowing at the top.

"Better make it a good one," Mustang said as I went to blow out the candle in a hurry. Normally I didn't believe in the bogus wish stuff but I figured why not. Maybe for once ill get lucky. I took a moment to pause as I felt a loving gaze from across the table. A small stream of smoke withered through the air as the candle was blown out. I took a few bites of the cupcake and downed the rest of the whiskey, feeling a slight buzz.

"You ready to get out of here and have some real fun now?" Mustang said with his signature smirk, although this time he looked like he was up to something.

"Sure, where we goin?" Slightly curious as to where I would be taken next.

"I cant tell you yet, it's a surprise." The grin only got bigger as we got up from the table and headed into the car. The sun had long been set and a small chill ran through the fall air. As I slid into the passenger seat once again my arm slid against something rather warm as I noticed we were both trying to make use of the middle arm rest. I pretended like I didn't notice just to keep my arm against his warmth a bit longer.

"You sure you should drive? You were just drinking inside," I noted as the car purred while warming up.

"Yeah ill be fine." strapping on my seatbelt I watched the lights fly by the window as we drove down the near empty roads to the end of town. My body loosening up from the alcohol, I just hoped it wouldn't cause me to loose my guard and say something stupid. As the car came to a halt, we both exited and headed towards a muggy looking building. The large neon sign caught my attention as I glanced up to see where we were. The sign read FANTASIES….

"Wait a minute…. You took me to a strip club?"


	6. Chapter 6

**hey guys! its been a LONG time. I am going to continue this fic where i left off and hope i can get somewhere with it this time. I havent written since the last time i updated (well over a year ago) so i apologize if this chapter isnt up to par with the previous ones. i was trying to get back into the same writing style but that one was easier said than done. This chapter doesnt seem nearly as depressing to me as the others but like i said i should get back into the flow of the fic soon. if you have any comments, suggestions, etc i would love to hear them. Thanks and Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: FMA is not mine and i do get get any money from writing this. simply hours of entertainment. **

A queasy feeling rippled through my gut as I followed him down the empty street. His larger frame shielding me from the slight wind unintentionally, irresistible and musky cologne filling my senses. Why here of all places? It was no secret that he is known as the city's womanizer but I didn't need it to be rubbed in my face. My pace was subtly slowing, the flicker of pink and orange neon lights reflecting off my shoes and scattering on the pavement. I don't think I lifted my eyes from the ground once, until I felt someone looking back at me.

"Don't worry, its a lot more fun than it looks." his soothing baritone voice assured as the dingy building inched closer into view.

I shot back the weakest smile I could muster, finding no words that would leave my throat, but it seemed to be enough of a response as he turned forward once again and began sifting through his pockets. Loud thumping music could be heard seeping into the night as I followed him to the side door. Just inside, a tall man dressed in black propped open the entrance for us as more music poured into my ears. Roy presented a glossy ID card extended in his hand, just long enough for the taller man to get a good glimpse.

"Is the private lounge area open?" Roy asked as the doorman extended his large sausage like fingers, silently asking for identification. Come on where is it? I sifted through each pocket of my pants and coat, finally feeling the small thin piece of plastic in the last pocket I happen to reach into.

"Yea, looks like it's free tonight." the man shot back, seeming to take up a lighter tone with him compared to the stink eye I was receiving. Some customer service, jerk. He spent many long moments glancing between the card, back down to my face. The impatience in both of us was starting to show as the moment lingered on. Thankfully Roy finally spoke up after I got the feeling I was going to get booted out of this place before even making it in the door.

"He is with me tonight." Roy stated suavely with a hint of a smile. Apparently that cheesy ass charm works on everyone. Can't imagine what other shit he gets away with by flirting and pulling out a smile. Not that I have any room to talk.

The inner doors were held open for us as we stepped in from the outer hallway, my senses being attacked by loud music, bright lights, and annoying laser lights that seemed to be perfectly focused into my eye. I followed Roy across the black and white checkered floor and I could literally feel drunk men eyeing me like a piece of cheap meat. The fact that there were busty girls dancing around in skimpy outfits and yet these sleazebags were choosing to eye me down instead just pushed me into the next zone of uncomfortable.

I felt a searing hot hand lightly guiding me across the floor once I realized I had stopped, tender fingers burning warmth into my skin.

"Don't worry about them.." he whispered softly towards me as we approached the far corner of the building. Heavy maroon curtains were held open for me and that smile, that _damn_ smile was flashed my way once again.

"After you." I didn't want to tear my eyes away from him but I forced myself to move into the enclosed area, sitting down near the middle of a large, white curved couch. The bright lasers dimmed out as the curtain was closed behind us and a heavy weight made its presence beside me.

He leaned closer to the knee high table in front of us and pressed a silent button, his thigh brushing against mine.

"Why are you so tense?" he asked in a calming tone, more curious than condescending. "You haven't said a word in 20 minutes."

"Oh." was my hesitant reply. I had just been so wrapped up in thought I didn't notice. What was I supposed to say anyway? "I guess this just isn't really my kind of place." I replied, hoping not to offend him.

The curtain parted and a slender female slipped in, wearing a black knee length skirt, and black blouse. Clearly a bartender. He smile hinted that Roy was a regular here, but that shouldn't surprise me at all. I just didn't want to be reminded of it. They exchanged some chit-chat which I partly ignored until I sensed they were talking about me.

"Who's the cutie?" she said winking in my direction. "I bet half the girls in here would be begging to take him home." I tried not to snigger in disgust, but thankfully the music drowned it out.

"Just a friend from work, having some drinks after a long week." Long week is right. I could tell he was eager to get her out of the room.

"Oh a friend? Is that they are calling it these days?" She said with a sweet chuckle. A light red tinted Roy's pale face, I didn't even know he was capable of blushing around women.

"Oh, no no its not like that." he laughed back. Ok, uncomfortable levels definitely increasing.

"Whatever you say," She responded with a wink. "Should I send Shirley over with your usual drinks?"

"Uh, sure give us about 30 minutes." the lady exited the curtain, quickly returning with two large drinks and two shots filled with a dark liquid.

"You don't have to take the shot if you don't want to, I'll drink it." he offered once he saw me trying to identify what was in the glasses.

"No, I'll be fine." the liquor from the restaurant had worn off but I could feel it creeping back as I tipped the small glass up letting its contents burn down my throat.

I don't know when the gentle warmth of my drink turned into slurred speech and erratic thinking but I knew it wasn't going to be good. I glanced to my left seeing Roy, knowing he wasn't sober either. I had forgotten that he was talking to me about.. God knows what but all I could think about was watching his pale pink lips as he rambled on. What would it feel like to have them pressed against mine? Would they taste of Smokey cinnamon or simply like strong whiskey. My train of thought was interrupted by a skinny blonde entering the room, wearing hardly anything else besides lacy lingerie that shouldn't be seen outside the bedroom. She recognized Roy instantly, I couldn't tell if she was flirting or not but I could feel the jealousy rising in my chest.

Warm fingers slid across my cheek before I knew what was happening. "Ever had a lap dance before?" words whispered into my ear, making my spine tingle.

"No, Im not sure if I want one either." I replied glancing into his dark eyes. I didn't need some half naked girl rubbing herself on me, or whatever it was that she was going to do. All I wanted was the man next to me.

"Just relax, it will be fun." he whispered, I could feel his gentle breath against my cheek. I glanced ahead seeing the woman seductively gliding her hands down her slender body, gently swaying to the beat. I could instantly think of someone who could be more seductive with one look, than this girl and her entire routine. Her hands ran up my knees, stopping halfway up my thighs which gave me a straight shot view down her lacey top. I knew I should have at least pretended to be interested, but with alcohol fogging my brain I turned to my left yet again.

"You don't have to waste your money on this, really." I offered, hoping not to offend but hoping he would get my hint. I don't need her, I need you.

"Why are you so tense, its just for fun." his voice soothed me and I could smell the whiskey on this breath he was so close. Suddenly I felt strong hands on my shoulders as if I was about to get a massage, but I was given something better. A leg that didn't belong to me appeared on my opposite side, hands guiding me back into a strong chest, as I realized he was sitting behind me. The woman, who was now dancing away, began slipping her top off, her tan breasts moving along with her as she got closer, practically grinding on my thigh. Every time she would rub against my lap, I would rub against his, slowly pushing me farther into him but I definitely didn't mind. For the longest time I didn't notice my pulse thumping in my ears until a pair of hands starting roaming my thighs. More lace covered skin was moving in my lap, causing me to push backwards even though I was already pressed firmly into his chest, warm breaths ghosting the back of my ear.

"So if you don't like Shirley, what kind of girls do you like?" he asked, I could almost pick out the slight tone of lust in his voice, but it was probably just in my head. His question registered through my mind but I didn't think too hard about it, but I guess I should have.

"I _Don't."_ It felt as if the world screeched to a halt even thought the music was still bumping and Shirley was still going about her routine. Fear raced through my heart once I realized what I had just said. I just hope he didn't catch the giant IM GAY red flag I just tossed out in the open. I had known about my sexuality for many years but it wasn't something I was wanting to toss around as if I was talking about the weather. His hands continued to grope my body, sliding up to hold my hips, a whisper of fingertips slipping beneath the hem of my shirt.

'Well if you don't like women, what are you into?" thankfully he was almost as intoxicated as I was. My body felt like butter under his scorching hands that were now roaming my body. I couldn't help but arch against him, feeling an uncomfortable tightness in my pants. He leaned forward a bit to whisper something to Shirley, and she left soon after with a grin.

I let my head fall on his shoulder, my eyes locking with his. I was inches away from tasting his lips on mine but the hesitation in me kept me from inching any closer.

"You."


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys. sorry for the extremely short and late chapter but i am working on the next one as we speak. like always if you like the fic or have any constructive comments or suggestions please review. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own FMA**

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, and I bet he could feel it too. My face was hot with embarrassment but I couldn't tear my eyes away from his as I tried to read his expression. The moment seemed to stretch forever and the uncomfortable feeling in my chest only grew with time. What was he thinking? What was _I_ thinking? Alcohol in my system or not I just voiced a feeling that could only bring harm to myself. Idiot. I felt like a little kid who had just admitted he had done something wrong, and I had to wait and face the consequences. Who was I kidding anyway? He's twice my age, heading towards a very successful career, and has the looks to make any woman melt. He would never have feelings for me. To him I am just a broken, crippled kid. A nuisance. A small rock stuck in his shoe.

I had no idea how long we sat there, my back still pressed against him, his face sporting that mischievous smirk hovering over my left shoulder. We were so incredibly close but it still felt so far. His face inched closer to mine, hot breath ghosted over my skin while I could hardly think to breathe properly. His sharp eyes made their way down my face, as if he was looking me over, glancing down at my lips. I had never been this close to him before. I drank in his appearance as if it would be the last time I saw him. His smooth porcelain skin, and those eyes piercing into mine as if he could see into my soul, still holding that mischievous look.

He moved In closer, only making my heart race more. Smooth lips lightly grazed mine as if he was just testing the waters but my entire body seemed to melt at the sensation. Before I knew it he was pulling away, but a slender hand slid against my cheek, turning my chin even more. He parted his mouth slightly, as if he was going to say something, but his lips met with mine once more. Hot shivers ran down my spine and I tried so hard to keep any noises from escaping my lips but as the kiss deepened, that task seemed impossible. A quiet moan was pulled from my mouth as he sucked on my bottom lip as if that noise only encouraged him. I tried to keep up with his movements, I didn't want to show how inexperienced I really was but that was like talking with a foreigner when I don't even know the language.

Sparks kept flying underneath my skin and I could feel my pants tighten uncontrollably. I really hoped he wouldn't notice how aroused I was from a single kiss. His lips gently pulled away from mine as he trailed kisses down my jaw and onto my neck. I couldn't help but arch back as he sank his teeth into my sensitive skin.

"We really shouldn't do this." he whispered from the crook of my neck, his voice holding hesitation laced with what sounded like lust. At that moment I couldn't have cared less. Of all the shit that had gone on over the past year, all the pain and guilt I had felt, for a night I was able to let go and push my thoughts aside. For once my night seemed perfect and I never wanted it to end. I couldn't bring myself to say anything because I knew it would break this moment into pieces.


End file.
